Boys Will Be Boys

I thought I "knew it all" when it came to raising, or at least, teaching young children.  I studied for it, worked close to 20 years in the field, in four continents, cross-culturally. And my own experience raising my first born child gave me all the confidence I needed. My 12-year-old daughter seems pretty "ok" (for now) so I was confident that dealing with my six-year-old would be easy.   I really thought bringing up a boy was a walk in the park.

Yes, the punch line:  it is a challenge to bring up a boy!!!

Each child is different, unique.  An all-too-familiar tag-line we hear every day, at least in my profession as an early childhood educator.  And each child will always stand out no matter where he or she is.  However, despite the millions of characteristics that set one child apart from another, there ARE common threads of behavior among children.  Specifically, common behaviors among girls and among boys.  As children they have similarities, but as human beings of different genders, they are almost on opposite poles.  And this is just not for dating purposes.

In Dr. James Dobson, in his book "Bringing Up Boys," says that "Men and women's brains looked very distinct when examined in a laboratory.  Male and female brains ARE "hardwired" differently, which accounts for behavioral and attitudinal characteristics associated traditionally with masculinity and femininity."   And when researching further, one would find that this general statement has been backed up by research!

No wonder "women are from Venus and men are from Mars!"

Let's look at the Male Brain:

According to studies (of human, monkey and rat brains!), three (3) major brain parts or components are responsible for the "differences" :

1. Testosterone
2. Serotonin
3. The Amygdala

Men, whose bodies have more testosterone (twenty times as much as in women!) are more likely to aim for wealth, power, fame, and status, because they are urged in that direction from within!  Their tendency to take risks, to be more assertive, to boast, and to seem to "excel" in certain skills like problem solving, math, and science have a connection with how the brain is physically wired.   

It is the so-called "He Hormone" that is correlated to dominance, confident physicality and high self-esteem.    Men, in this case, boys in school, have a surplus of this hormone!

Serotonin is the hormone that pretty much pacifies emotions and helps an individual control impulsive behavior. It also facilitates good judgement.  "If testosterone is the gasoline that powers the brain, serotonin slows the speed and helps one steer."  And yes, females typically have MORE of it than males!

The Amygdala is the part of the brain, roughly the size of an almond, that acts like an "emotional computer."  It "orders" the adrenal glands and other defensive organs to jump into action, to react when a threat is perceived.  So when you wonder why your little boy pushes back immediately when his sister accidentally nudges him, or when he is forever in love with the power rangers theme,  the Amygdala is to "blame!" It's role is to regulate aggression.  And again, the Amygdala is usually larger in males then in females!

Imagine all these in a preschool boy!  No wonder more boys are "diagnosed" with ADD or ADHD!

Boys, by nature are more active: they seem to be a fountain of unlimited energy, climbing, running, jumping from heights, climbing on bookshelves, and trees.  They don't MEAN to do it per se, but they do.  Why? Because they are wired to do so!

Ever wonder why boys LOVE LOVE LOVE the themes of "Super heroes" and "bad-guy, good-guy"?
It is the way they are made!  "The masculine 'will to power' is why boys fight, climb, wrestler, strut, and show off."

Boys learn about the world by using their bodies. They need to move around to figure out why the tree stump is higher on one end of the playground than the other by jumping off it.  They always run to the farthest part of the field, take up more space inside the classroom, or are constantly fidgeting in their seats.  All those elements inside their bodies are constantly in motion!

Having been in the preschool classroom for nearly 20 years, I've noticed that boys are also not as "verbal" as little girls of the same age.   More "talk" will be heard from little girls playing at the dramatic play corner than boys in the block-building center, despite the closeness in chronological ages (Ladies' lunches always take three to four hours, right?).  Boys use gestures frequently and non-verbal communication cues.  Girls resort to words more often.

CLASSROOM STRUGGLES

We know now that boys need space to move, things to build and touch, and thrive on using their bodies to connect with their brains.   Given that boys love "rough-housing" or "rough and tumble play",  expecting to contain them in a classroom, with chairs neatly aligned and windows out of their heights' reach, is practically asking for chaos.  Unfortunately, in the typical classroom, towards the later preschool ages, boys ARE expected to sit quietly and listen.

The fact that the teaching profession is dominated by women does not help either.  Women prefer behaviors that are more often attributed to "girl activities" like drawing, playing house, reading in a corner and other "paper-and-pencil" tasks.

With this scenario already in place since the 1940's, boys are definitely at a disadvantage!  In most schools, one in particular here in the beautiful island of Cebu, playground or outdoor time, is limited---to as little as one day each week!  Construction toys are scarce and space for play is like gold.  

I wonder why parents flock to that school!

One particular psychologist, Jaak Panksepp, believes that big-body play actually helps develop the frontal lobe of the brain which is responsible for regulating behavior, motor skills development and symbolic representation.  So we, teachers and parents alike, SHOULD let them play more and not expect them to remain seated quietly on their respective desks!

WHAT TO DO AT HOME

I've often wondered (again) why the world seems to have more male chefs.  Why were the famous ones always men?  One of my dearest friends is a chef and when she was in culinary school she delighted in the fact that she was one of only three women in the program.  There were 23 men in her classroom!

I realized later on that the act of COOKING is the reason.  Cooking involves all the senses, and uses big and small muscles of the body.  Putting ingredients together requires combining substances that stimulate the vision, the sense of smell, the sound of food being squashed together.  The big arm movements required to cut, chop, and mix are crucial.  Practically the whole body is involved in the process--something that boys love when they learn!

PAINTING and CRAFTWORK are also activities that will stimulate much of the human senses.  The vivid colors, the arm movements, the smell of paint or whatever media is involved.  The texture of the canvas or the paper, or the wall of the house even provides your little artist with the space he needs!

GARDENING and "INSECTING".  A child in a classroom I substituted in once labeled the act of looking for insects, "Insecting."  And this activity we do frequently with our children at home.  We are lucky to have a garden by our house and we often seek out spiders with beautifully-spun webs.  We watch how the spider traps an insect and spins its web around the prey. We catch "bull ants"--those big but harmless black ones that trail the sidewalks--and place them in little match boxes to see how fast they can get out again.  We literally spend at least one hour outside "Insecting." The sunlight is great for the body (before 11 am of course!) and the space outdoors give my son the feeling of freedom!

Gardening is nothing but shoveling soil into a mound for us.  We bought inexpensive little metal garden tools and with our supervision, the kids hack away and pile up soil in one corner of the garden.  We water it then pile on some more.  My older daughter thought of planting simple plants and now we have a little herb garden.

BLOCK-BUILDING of course is a fool-proof, simple and CLEAN way of keeping my son involved mentally and physically.  Each day he builds different structures:  a zoo, a parking garage, a building, a slide for cars.  The possibilities are limitless!  Physics and geometry are involved when we balance, talk about shapes, figure out how to reach an equilibrium among the blocks being put on top of each other, and we also include little "boy dolls" to make sure we have pretend play going on.  Again my older child suggested we put "signs" in the structures, and thus the element of literacy is injected.








So in the end, Boys will be Boys not matter what we do.  No amount of tying them to their seat will stop them from moving about.  Not even thatPSP or DS or Wii.  Boys will always find a way to move around and learn with their bodies.  We cannot, and SHOULD NOT keep them from moving.  That's the way they learn, and that's the way the will live.

"My Mini-Me."

Pseudo-sofistication.  This was (is) one word I really like.  I quite fancy the word because it is so very pregnant with meaning.  And it has a lot to do with how we are raising our children in this era.

I was chatting with a fellow parent and our conversation was cut short because she remembered that she had to fetch her daughter from Ballet class.  It was a Monday afternoon.
Monday is for ballet.

Another parent at school was raving about her son's new favorite activity.  Martial Arts with coach Kim.  Tuesday is for Karate.

I went to a locally-known music school to inquire about classes.  It was Wednesday.  The school was brimming with children.  Apparently, Wednesday is for Piano (or violin).

Thursday is for math supplementary class (Kumon, Singaporean math, Practical Mathematics, etc. etc).  On top of the already numerous sheets of paper for homework, the six-year-old boy had more math classes to attend, outside school.

Friday is for Painting.  "Woohoo!" for most kids.  At least for the younger ones who are finally allowed some "messy play" at the Art Studio for kids.

Saturday and Sunday, Soccer, Badminton, Swimming or all of the above.

Such a tight schedule for children aged 4 and above, don't you think?  Whatever happened to "free play" and going outside to play with neighbors, or having play dates at friends'  homes?

Whatever happened to CHILDHOOD?

We try so hard to manage our "stresses" in life, from over-crowded cities to over-packed schedules, and here we are, as open-minded parents, doing the exact opposite to our children. We load them with stressful activities.

I say "stressful" because we are so afraid to keep the children "idle", even for just a day.  And we think that by providing them with all these "brain-feeding" activities and schedules, we are helping them advance in life.  I would say, from my nearly-20 years of teaching, the children are just falling into the same trap we are in. STRESSED ADULTS.  And we push them to Pseudo-sofistication.

We try so hard to give the children "an edge."  And that is not wrong at all.  It is, by all means, a noble and almost-obligatory job as parents.  And by some unconscious force, we try to fashion them into our little selves, or extensions of ourselves. And we become so caught up with pushing them to be ahead of the pack, that we forget about their ages and their respective interests.

These are children!  They are meant to play and discover the wonders of the world, not be confined to four walls of concrete, memorizing, following pre-set movements, and regimented styles of learning.  They should be playing outdoors, feeling the grass on their feet, holding sand and rocks, pouring water into bottles, watching bugs crawl on leaves.  They will, in their later years, be spending more than enough time inside a room, facing a computer terminal, and watching a screen.  Why start "imprisoning" them this early?

Maybe we think that if they learn all the "finer things in life" at an early stage, they will BE at an advantage over the rest of the children their age.  But have we ever thought of how every single child we know is already enrolled in all these courses anyway, that our apparent "edge" is already the norm?  And when we realize that, we will then PUSH our children more to doing something else, something more difficult.  So who is to blame for all these "stress-related illnesses" we are feeling  these days?  WE ARE!

Let's break the cycle of this Psuedo-sofistication.  It is a farce, a fallacy, an irrelevant occurrence.  Children need to be children.  They will reach their own maturity when the time is right.  Leave them some room to play, grow and explore their environment, without us having to schedule their lives for them.  Let the children play!!!

We CAN be Creative Parents!

A few years ago as an active teacher, I heard one of the parents say on a Friday afternoon, "Have a good weekend, Teachers!  You guys get to rest and we parents start our jobs with the kids until Sunday evening! Wish us luck!"  And with a long sigh she walked off with her three- and five-year old.  I could almost hear her heavy heart beat while she held each child's hand in hers.  I wasn't a parent then and couldn't believe that she considered her weekend with the children such a burden.  What was wrong with her, I thought to myself.  I was in utter disbelief.

And then I became a parent, twice over now in ten years and realized part of what she was saying.  Weekends in a country where nannies and house-help was a luxury can become tedious, especially when you spend ALL day doing errands.  Add to that, spending ALL day with two children who both need you in some way or other.  It can be nerve-wracking indeed.

But then I discovered how to become a "creative parent" without having to spend money or spend the entire day preparing for one activity with my children, "just to keep them busy."  Of course having experienced years of being in the classroom with screaming, rowdy and sweet preschoolers (a.k.a. a teacher) helped a lot.  Common sense also kicked in.

Here are some tried-and-tested fun activities I've done with my children (and sometimes with other people's children I had to baby sit often) which kept them busy and my sanity intact.  I also managed to slip out of the room to fold laundry, do the dishes and surf the net!!!

1.  Simple Water Play.  
On a warm day, I spread out an old shower curtain (indoors!!!) to shield the floor of a rented condo then). The other materials were as follows:
     Two (2) wide-mouth bins, filled one with water about two inches high and the    
     other left empty. 
     Old measuring cups (plastic), water bottles (also plastic), spoons, ice cream   
     scoopers and a plastic strainer (the ones we use for draining pasta)


I showed my daughter how to scoop water from the bin and pour it into the bottles.  Later on she was transferring water from one bin to the next.  for variety you can add dishwashing soap or a mild shampoo.  Bubbles are a sure winner.


She was at it for almost an hour.  She also found her way inside the bin later on, enjoying the tight "mini-pool"  she created.


A word of caution though, keep the water level LOW.  A younger child of one or two years of age may drown in as low as an inch of water.  They may be unable to raise their head out of the waterbin at that age.   


And teach the children NOT to drink the water. If they're busy pouring and scooping, they won'd drink.  And for safety measures, keep a pitcher or glass of water beside your child when she or he gets thirsty.


And as a creative parent, I learned not to get finicky about getting wet, dirty or sticky fingers.


2.  Clothespins (wooden or plastic) on a clothesline.


I tied a short cord from one closet to another (or a chair to a closet, whatever works) and attached ten (10) clothespins on the cord.  It was a home-made abacus and a great tool to exercise my daughter's fine-motor muscles--the small muscles in the fingers, used to control the pencil.  


3.  (More to come later...duty calls, time to pick up the children from school!)

5 Parenting Tips for the Weekend

1.  Start and end the day with "I love you."
Showing children our love sometimes may not be enough.  Saying these three simple words with a warm tight hug can make a huge difference in our children's lives.  Especially if we have teeners under our roof.  Remember though not to expect a response from them.  They may not be "in the mood" at the moment.  Nonetheless, saying "I love you" starts their day off properly.


2. Acknowledge "Negative Feelings." 
As the old adage says:  the first step to solving a problem is to acknowledge that there is one.  Feelings of fear, anger or disappointment are all normal, for adults and for children.  These are emotions we need to recognize when our child is going through them. 

"It seems like you are feeling scared about...  I know it can be difficult now.  Mommy/ Daddy is here to hold your hand / to help you / is here with you... we can do this together."  


They need to know that having feelings of fear is normal but can be overcome. Accepting your child's negative emotion helps him deal with it positively. 


3. Let your toddler and preschooler explore, as long as it is within safety limits.
Banging on pots with spoons or getting messy hands is something we parents try to shield our kids from. We worry too much about the inconveniences these actions will bring US.  We forget that they LEARN from it.  Let's go easy on the "Don'ts."  Except of course when he starts climbing the "wrong" side of the stair case!!!


4.  Coin a nickname.
Remember how you used to call your boyfriend or girlfriend by a distinctive name that only you can use?  The same holds true for your child!!!  Calling your child by a special monicker reflects your unique bond with your him.  Only you and your child have that special bond. Think of it as a "secret password" to his heart.


5.  Be courageous when you need to say you're "Sorry."
Admitting one's mistake is a bold act.  Doing so sends your child a loud message that if you are wrong, it is alright to apologize and make amends.


HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!